Lost, but only for a minute or two

hopefully

Lately, I’ve felt more and more lost out here. As if parts of me are falling off

into the water to drift away quickly. There seems to always be something crazy going on, and I’m always participating. “Hey, let’s go to Dallas.” So, I go, and walk around numb to everything around me. And I sit there as part of myself in front of the television watching the basketball game that I don’t care about, stabbing fork into lettuce or drinking water with no lemon, the rest sitting in a chair or on my bed reading a book of unveiling key pieces of information in conversation. Someone was explaining the Chinese medical diction; the way they treat the body. The idea that there are 5 channels living within all of us, and if one of those channels is clogged the rest suffer. I’ve thought about what each channel might be: personality? mental health? happiness? I haven’t truly mapped out each channel, but I’ve deduced that most of mine are being blocked and the rest of me is suffering. If we’re unable to retain the whole of ourselves and only take on small parts of who we are we suffer. The rest begins to shrivel and die off. That’s where I am right now. I fear that the things that I held most prominent and important, things that I thought mapped my personality, are dying off. Some say that this is the natural way of things. We must detach ourselves from certain stigmas or personality traits that don’t mesh well with others in order to thrive, but I’m not so sure that this is entirely true. Sure the prospect of aging and becoming an adult includes the dejection of various attributes that should no longer remain as part of us, but if too much is lost we begin to question ourselves. Wonder if the way we had lived in the past had been a lie or just the wrong path, if what knew to be one’s self isn’t. I’ve questioned that, but I don’t think that is my problem. A while ago I sat on a carpeted floor and contemplated self. Contemplated the attributes of myself and what would make me happy and keep me humble. The main attribute that I found most appeal and best set for the way I wished to live my life was that of quite and relaxed movements. I realized that I don’t deal well with the stress that can build up and I tend to ignore it making things worse. If I wasn’t able to depart from this chaotic world and respond to my inner quite I would begin to crumble. This is where I find myself at this moment. Too much of the outside, to much adapting to what might appeal to others without remaining true to myself. I just need to resolve that and find ways of promoting the other parts to keep me balanced. Flying off the handle and yelling at Vafa for pestering me shouldn’t happen. I should have the will of calm and a cool head to relax and deal with the issue without letting it build and break.

Now presents the task of figuring out how to go about doing this.