"You do it to yourself, you do."

I’m not sure what to write. Feeling a bit bi-polar today. Not enough sleep, kind of

depressed, thinking about the past and what angers me the most. These are all things that I’ve become relatively used to, and I had coped with them. Only, a few times a month, generally very briefly, do I begin to think about these things again. I start off small, with something that bothers me, it snowballs by thinking about something worse, and end up laying on the ground, covered in bad memories and anger about things that I can’t or don’t know how to change.

The truth is no matter how much you wish for something to change, most of the time, it

doesn’t. Things so often stay the same. They look you in the eyes and appear as though they want something different. Smile big for the camera and present themselves in a store front as someone who wants things to be different. Then they realize that they aren’t ready or willing to move out of their comfort zone. Not interested in what’s beyond what is directly in front of their face. We all do that a bit, some more than others. I do. I did it moving down here.

And I didn’t move down here for anyone. I moved because I was jobless and depressed.

Things were working and I needed to shake myself out. This position presented itself to me, and bam. It seemed like a great idea, and it was. I’m happy here, far more happy then I was when I lived up near Chicago. And that’s not meant as a disparaging statement about the friends or family I have up there. It just wasn’t working for me. I needed to refresh, and I got that here. It’s just too bad that so many people believed that I did it to spite them, or to be mean to them in any way. After all, it’s all about other people and never supposed to be about you. I may have a history of that, but I needed to take the advice that people had been offering me for the past ten years, ‘do something for yourself, make yourself happy.’ I did that, and I’m in Texas now. If you can’t get over the fact that this isn’t about you, I’m sorry, but don’t go turning this around into some kind of blame fest. I never asked you to get angry with your parents. I didn’t tell you to yell at them or go against what they thought was best. You did that on your own. You did it because you wanted to do something for you. Now you’re doing something for them again, and you don’t sound happy. You sound how I feel right now. Ironic, right?