Conversational ethics

The weekend happened, and I’m left feeling pretty empty. A lot of things that still

aren’t done and others that I’m just too scared to take care of. Way too much sitting around, ignoring responsibility, ignoring the fact that I need to make some progress but can’t. It’s just a weird place to be, and I can’t say that I’m entirely all right with that. I viewed the single comment left on this page and I started to droop.

Yesterday Payam and I went to this giant picnic of Persians in a town called

‘The Colony.’ Neither of us were very impressed or entertained. I spent most of my time talking with Samira, Ladan’s sister. The whole time I kept thinking of other people and phone calls. I kept my sunglasses on the whole time too. To ensure that no one knew when my eyes dropped and welled up. I’m pretty sure no one suspected a thing. People seem to look at me and think that I’m fine even when I’m not. That I’m happy. It’s not true though, I’m not entirely happy. Too many thoughts of other people and regrets keeping me way too humble sometimes. It didn’t help that my blood sugar levels were going coastering, and I had no control over my own behavior at certain points.

On the drive back we took Ladan out to her car, parked a few miles away to avoid the

ten-dollar entrance fee to the massive park. She asked me what I thought of her sister for the third or forth time since I’ve known her. I said she was nice, and wasn’t lying. She then asked me if I wanted her number. I said no, and she became angry. There wasn’t much of a conversation after that. More like Ladan’s angry pestering of me. Her telling me that I should go out on a date with her sister because she thinks that we would make a “good couple.” I, again, tell her no thanks. The idea that I have to date someone because other people think it would work out confuses me. They tell you that they’re looking out for your best interests, and just want to make you happy. What makes them think that I’m unhappy or that I wouldn’t be happier without going out with someone else for a while? The idea is just lost on me. If you’re single, you have to be miserable. I just disagree.

I explain that its nothing against her sister or her, I’m just not interested. It’s hard to

be interested in anyone at all. The whole time Payam kept trying to get the attention off me and onto his attempts to spend more time with Layla, the girl who came to visit and grill out with us last week. Ladan would be distracted momentarily, and would dart back to the issue of me and her sister. She asked why I didn’t want to go out with her. Was it that I didn’t find her attractive? That she wasn’t my type? At that point, I wish I had put the sunglasses back on. Instead, I gave her a very simple explanation as to what has happened to me in the past few months. The woman who I loved and respected and wanted to marry, and the losing battle. She didn’t understand, Ladan. She kept asking why. As if this were some easy conversational station that everyone should be in tune with. It’s not. It’s hard to address for more than a few moments. But I was stuck and so was my mouth. I gave her a little, and shut up for the rest of the ride. I’m not entirely sure that I handled things the right way, but I wasn’t sure what to say or do. When you’re in mud, sometimes it’s hard to get out of your shoes and continue on barefoot. After all, I like my shoes…not really. I’m just stubborn, and dumb as hell.